Our society and other people's expectations (particularly in my own situation) often drive a person to want to succeed. For example, my father (bless his soul, I give him a fair amount of grief but I love him) is of a Sri Lankan background. For anyone who knows anything about Asian fathers (or perhaps may have gained some recent insight into this from the recent Glee episode where Mike Chang received an A- which is the equivalent of an "Asian F"), then you know that unless you are a doctor or a lawyer, you're no one. Literally unless you receive an A, you may have well as received an F. So when I was 12 years old I went off to boarding school at a very academic school. Now this was a major shock for me, I'd always been academic but this was a whole new level of academia. In my first report, despite struggling big time, I managed to get a report of A's and B's. Which in a majority of families, the parents may have been quite happy with, especially given the massive life change I had recently undertaken. Well in my Dad's eyes, I was failing miserably, and unfortunately at this point in his life, he hadn't mastered how to hide these inner feelings of disappointment (luckily for my youngest brother, I learnt that an old dog can in fact learn new tricks). So I remember this point in time after my report had been received by my parents, and my Dad was not happy. He asked me to go for a walk with him, which I knew meant trouble. As we walked around the golf course, my Dad explained that the school I was attending was a very expensive one, and that he wouldn't see that he had got his moneys worth unless I received a score of 95 (so essentially 95% or more). Now being the influential type I was, I held onto this statement and did not let it go for a long time. I also suffered from ADHD and until I was diagnosed and treated, I struggled with motivation and attention which reflected in my marks despite my best efforts. At the end of year 12, as fate would have it, I received my score and it was 94.95. I had worked the hardest I could, studying after school until late at night, all weekend, not going out with friends, seeing a tutor on the weekend and still managed to fall short by 0.05. Because I had deeply ingrained my fathers expectations of me, I felt like a failure when I should have been celebrating.
Another strong desire of my Fathers was that one of his children would become doctors. His eldest son (my half brother) was already undertaking a degree in biotechnology by the time I entered high school and had made it clear that medicine was not for him. As a result, I became the focus for his hope of one of his children becoming a doctor. Now as a defiant teenager I decided that I would follow my own desires and do a degree in psychology to become a psychologist, which did not impress him too much. However, I found that even with my university marks, I was getting my results, showing my Dad and trying to gain his approval. Never once has he said he is proud of me (more into this later, I don't hate my Dad, it just took a number of years for me to learn about Sri Lankan culture and the way children are treated, which is almost in the opposite ways to which Western fathers treat their children, and to be ok with this).
I've read about epiphanies, but never had one until I went to my interview for clinical masters in Psychology, the course I would need to complete to become a registered psychologist. Now despite my bitching, medicine had been on my mind for a long time, however, I didn't want to do it to make my Dad happy, and simultaneously lacked self confidence within myself to get into the course. I went to a school where all of my friends received the highest marks possible in year 12, and they were the ones who got into medicine. The five point difference between them and me seemed like an ocean. Anyways back to the epiphany. I see a lot of kids, and I try to explain the importance of ignoring others expectations, but at the same time knowing when I was their age I felt exactly the same and that it took a lot of therapy and self development for me to reach this point in life. I decided on the day of my interview, that I wanted to pursue medicine, not psychology. I decided that from this point on, I would support myself financially and do everything in my power to pass the entrance test into medicine. I decided that everything I achieved from now on, I would do it for myself only, and the only person's expectations I would try to meet would be my own. I believe that by doing this, I set myself free from parental expectations, and can now thoroughly enjoy my success as I know it was all my own. I wasn't relying on my parents to fund me in an expensive school and therefore I didnt owe them anything.
Now, I could say it was an epiphany, but at the same time I know psychologically what it really was. I had attended a lot of therapy in the last years to monitor my negative thoughts and expectations about myself and learn ways to handle these. That was my true success, I rewired my brain to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts which eventuated into a real belief in myself. Did it work? Well I think so. The entrance test into medicine required me to learn first year uni level physics, bio and chem, all subjects I had received C's for in school and thus refused to do at the higher levels. I learnt these subjects online (thanks to khanacademy.org) and received a good score in the test, however I was slightly lower in the science section which meant that I could only apply for a few universities. However, despite this, for the first time in my life, I opened up my results and was truly happy and proud of myself. I would usually look at it as a failure as I had only got 48/50 but no shit I turned into a 'glass half full' gal and thought 'wow I'm only 2 points off the pass mark.' I applied to the university which would consider my mark and my application 1820 applicants to gain an interview. There were 180 interviews and 112 spots, I had my interview a couple of weeks ago so keep those fingers crossed people. But you know what, if I don't get in, I know I'll be ok and that I will try again.
So there is a story about expectations. Believe in yourself and create your own goals. Its your life and you're the one who has to live it everyday so don't spend it trying to make other people happy. To quote Steve Jobs (whom I am in two minds about but hell was he a good public speaker)
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
Adios for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment